Thursday, November 09, 2006

Life Changing Experiences

We can't have enough life changing experiences. They are what make us who we are. Our struggles forge our souls...sometimes better, sometimes worse. My last post told you a little bit about my ex-husband. He is an alcoholic and worse, a verbally abusive man.

However, when I examine my life, I realize my father was a verbally abusive man. He belittled all of us. My mother, all my siblings, actually anyone who got in his way. This type of abuse is soul changing. One starts to believe what is being said to them and about them. It is what becomes the foundation for every relationship in our lives.

It was normal to have screaming and ranting in our home. Therefore, I grew up thinking this was normal. I didn't like it, but there is a comfort level in sameness. Even when the sameness is crazy. I always wonder if we are doomed to constantly repeat the lessons we've learned as children.

Fortunately, I was not a verbally abusive parent. But the only men I was drawn to were verbally abusive. That was my comfort zone as sick as it was. As I moved into my 50's I realized this was not a normal way to live. That is when I started to move away from the abuse I had lived with my entire life. It took until late in my 50's to realize there must be a better way to live. That one didn't have to be abused, either verbally or physically to exist. Even when that is the only way one knows.

There are days I wish things had been different. There are days I long for my ex-husband as sick as that is. There are those days when I wish, I wish he had only said "please tell me what to do and I will do it"! He never said those words, he dug in his heels and said "you want a divorce, fine".

It wasn't fine, it isn't fine. Love just doesn't shut off like the faucet at the sink. Love lives in our hearts even when our hearts have been ripped out of our chests. It took courage to divorce. I had been with him for almost 26 years. What would my life be without him. For even though he was very abusive, he was funny and charming sometimes.

Extraordinary how evil people can be so charming. But he was and there are days I miss him so much I ache. That in itself is so sad because I have a wonderful life now with a wonderful man who is sweet and kind. For the 1st time in my life, I truly believe I deserve to be treated well. We all deserve to be treated well and if we aren't, we need to ask why are treating me badly?

There truly can be a happy ending, we just have to search for it no matter how elusive happy can be.

Constantly changing,
Neelie

2 comments:

Gabardine said...

I am one month out of a terribly abusive relationship. I see how much I need to be out of it, I see how his mood swings were making me crazy, but I also miss him very much. I am alone for Christmas. I have no family, and I am in a new city. I am so sad, and alone and he wants to spend Christmas with me, and I just cannot. But I want to. I hate this. I don't know where to go from here.

Trulyscrumptus said...

Hi,
I am running out right now, but would really like to start a dialogue with you. You must not let an abuser back into your life. It is our pattern because we believe, "if only I had done this differently, he wouldn't be behaving this way" or something to that effect. Believe me, your behavior has nothing to do with his behavior. Stay strong. Look for a support system. You say you're in a new city...look for a women's shelter. They have women to talk to. Please do this. They will offer you support.

You can also help out at a shelter. Being productive is the best medicine for feeling badly about ourselves and being lonely. You won't feel lonely when you are helping others.

Please write me back,
Neelie