I heard a line this week from a movie I'd never seen before. The words were so beautiful they made me cry. "Even If we'd never met I would miss you." To me, these are some of the most beautiful words I've ever heard, as well as the most sad.
Of course, everything made me sad this weekend. I spoke to my ex-husband on New Years Day. His mother had a stroke and was being kept alive, something she didn't want. Our eldest son called to tell me about Grandma and I called Ronnie. Instinctively, I knew he needed me. He did. We talked about his Mom and our children and our life.
We talked about when his Dad passed away. Ronnie and I were still together and I helped him maneuver the difficulties of losing someone we love. These last few days have been as hard for me as for Ronnie. One starts 2nd guessing. I shouldn't have left him. If I hadn't left him, I would be there to help him. Perhaps, our life together would be more peaceful. The 18th of this month would have been our 30th anniversary.
I've always said I didn't want to be an old woman who was still being shouted at and spoken to with disrespect. At the time, I did what I needed to do. But, God help me, I still miss him. He is burned so deeply in my soul that, at times, I miss him and I wish I didn't.
Love should be healthy and ours was on life support. He seems to be very happy with his current wife. He loves her. He is her 1st husband. She has no children, so no encumbrances and she owns a very successful business. He's happy! He said, "I'll never have to work again, she makes so much money."
I know he has a lot put away that he hid before and during the divorce so that I got nothing but away. That was ok...I needed to get away. So why do I still miss him? I don't know that I'll ever be able to answer that question. I just know there is a hole in my heart where he used to be and I don't know how to fill it. So for now, I'll be glad that he's happy and grateful that I was there for him, once again, when he needed me.
Lovingly,
Neelie
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